Title:At least their Certified.
RatingFor stupidity- PG13 & for this chapter slight Angst. ++It's also a AU fic.
Warnings:Extreme Cracked bad humor + a character's possible death.
Summary:Joachim is a landlord recently released from Jail for GBH charges. He's trying to re-build his life but finds his tenants are going to make that some what of a challenge. Not to mention is cracked up Gigolo Cousin who's decided to bug him now to.
Disclaimer:I don't know any of these people.
Episode summary: Joachim goes to fill in his check but has a hard time. However he's aided by some more of his lovely tenants - Lu-lu-Lukas Podolski and Bastian .S. Joachim then returns home to finally find out about the 'back alley' and who's called him there.


Chapter .3. – Silence…
His head was splitting. He felt like he’d downed 15 snake bites, 5 rounds of tequila and a good dose of beers.
As he rubbed his face, Joachim saw through his curtains the rising sun.

“No let’s not be mistaken – it’s already risen.” Sighed Joachim.

Yesterday was everything but normal. He didn’t expect one thing of it. The Klinsmann’s could have at least warned him that his tenants were monster’s sent straight from hell.
Well – the Frings’s were. Joachim at first couldn’t remember too much about their meeting, but the harder he tried – bit by bit it came back to him.
It all went down-hill when he found out that Torsten had a ‘love’ it seemed to beat up small children.

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“You WHAT?!” Shouted Joachim through the whole apartment.

“You heard me old man!” Retorted Torsten, pushing Joachim.

“If you two are going to duke it out, could you at least let me burn down the place.” Chimed in Petra, rolling her eyes.

“NO!” Came a unified shout from both men.
Sneering at both of them, she went into their bedroom and slammed the door, locking it behind her.

“Who allows you sick people to beat up little children!?” Yelled Joachim, going back to the original point.

“I get paid for it oldie!” Retorted Torsten back again.

“I’m not a 70’s record collection!” Screamed Joachim, throwing his arms in the air.
As they continued arguing, both idiots – yes that’s what they bluntly had to be not to notice ‘In Bett Im Kornfeld’ playing loud, from the bedroom – smoke started to leak through the bedroom door.
Both stopped their argument abruptly with Torsten turning around and yanking at the bedroom door.
Joachim suddenly stopped in thought – he was trying to put one and one together.

“Is that woman attempting to burn her apartment down with herself in it?” Asked Joachim himself casually.
Just after a couple of minutes of contemplation and the room gradually filling with smoke – snapped Joachim into the current situation.

“OH MY GOODNESS SHE’S BURNING THE APARTMENT DOWN!” Cried Joachim, falling to pieces.

“The place is going to burn down and I’m going to lose my job!” Screamed the middle aged man.

“You’re JOB?! Who cares my sugar-plum is in there! She’s going to die!” Attacked Torsten, yanking violently now at the door.

The young man wouldn’t lose his cool about a lot but when it came to the ‘female tyrant’ he called his wife, he would jump off a cliff for her. Which he has done before.
In his heart and with his eyes he’s seen her burn down the city hall for him once. It was true love at its finest and that’s why their neighbors loved them so too.

“Pumpkin – cherry pie – honey bunny – dictator of my heart say something to me! Are you alive?!” The smoke was starting to form in his eyes.

Joachim knew how much he must have loved his wife but flames were really starting to spew from under the door and in no time the whole apartment looked similar – to what it must have looked like when Pompeii fell to ruins.
This was the last thing Joachim wanted, a burnt down apartment and a dead person. He couldn’t take it any longer and with all force and a sick-regret, he yanked Torsten out from the apartment and down stairs. Where people had called the fire & ambulance services and were all fleeing the building.

The services had arrived just in time to stop the fire spreading and therefore only a couple of apartments in the third level were affected.
It was enough to make Torsten cry though.

“Where is she? If she’s dead then I’m also dead.” Sobbed Torsten on Jens’s shoulder.

“She’s going to be alright, she’s been setting fire to things since the age of 3.” Comforted Jens back.

He felt slightly bad to see a man lose his wife like that. Joachim remembered how his uncle acted when his wife left him, all his crying could have fooled people into thinking that the woman had died.
He was about to approach the estranged husband when the fire service got to him first.

“Erm…….Herr.Frings…….we’re sorry to say………but the only thing we can find of her is……..this.” Saying that the man presented him with a charred bracelet, with her name written on it.
Torsten’s only response was a loud bitter cry.

All the other tenants and strangers around just bowed their heads. Joachim bit his bottom lip and was trying to think of a way to comfort the widow.
Slowly he approached him.

“Erm……..Herr Frings, I didn’t know you and your wife well but am I still want to offer something, so…don’t erm don’t. You won’t have to pay any rent or yeh….until you can get yourself on your feet.” Said Joachim shuffling his feet, feeling very awkward right about now.


“HEY WHAT ABOUT ME?!” Yelled Ollie over the crowd.

“His wife just burnt to a crisp man!” Screamed Conny back, to the other side of the front car park.

“Yeh but she was asking for it, burning slowly like that!” Shouted Olli back.

“You idiot she would have died of smoke poisoning first!” Snapped Conny back.

“FOR CRYING OUT-LOUD TORSTEN IS SITTING HERE!” Broke Joachim in.
Conny suddenly felt embarrassed lowering her head and Olli just continued pouting.
Fair is fair- it wasn’t the first time she’d done it.

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“They said what?!” Came a shrill scream through the telephone from Debbie.

“Yup – you heard right, they police claim she died.” Repeated Joachim. He’d called her to find out, how was the best way to handle this.
Actually he wanted to know what was the best way to offer support to a character like Torsten.

“After all Debbie – the man is sitting right now in the car park howling along to Avril Lavigne’s: I’m with you. It’s pretty pathetic & sad.” Continued Joachim, peeking through his curtains into the car park.

“He would wouldn’t he? After all it was his and Petra’s song. Played it on every anniversary.” Lamented Debbie. Deep inside, she did find it a pretty romantic song.

“What am I going to do with him? I wasn’t expecting a dead body.” Stuttered Joachim. The pain was getting great for both men – Torsten missing his wife and Joachim having to listen to his wailing.

“Ah…don’t worry too much about it. It’s not such a big thing.” Replied Debbie.

“Ex-Excuse me?!” Spluttered Joachim.

“It’s not the first time this has happened. In the 25 year’s they’ve been married it’s happened 27 times.” Counted Debbie.

“You’re trying to tell me she’s ‘died’ a couple of times.” Asked Joachim, not only were his tenants psycho’s now they were also immortal? Or recarnation might be based on some truth.

“Mhm….it just hurts all the time for him because he really loves her. Wouldn’t you be upset?” Asked Debbie in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“They found a burnt body Debbie…” Solemnly replied Joachim.
The poor man outside looked pretty pathetic, there was only one thing Joachim could do.



Joachim decided for the rest of the evening – well not really evenings it was by now 4o’clock in the morning- he’d take Torsten out for a drink and try to drown his sorrows.
After all he’d received his paycheck today.
So, those were all the events leading up to his painful morning now.
Thinking back, Joachim actually had a headache from getting completely hammered. For a second he felt ashamed because he had told his mother he wouldn’t touch any alcohol again – but then Torsten wasn’t going to drink on his own.
Best thing to do at the moment was to get up make some coffee and compile his daily – Today I must.

-Today I must-
1) Cash in check.
2) See if Torsten hasn’t died from alcohol abuse.
3) Collect rent from tenants today + meet the others.
4) Go to police and explain what happened with the fire.

Sipping slowly on his coffee helped Joachim re-compose himself. Deciding which way he should complete his errands, Joachim concluded that investigating Torsten’s condition should be done first.

He knew that Conny and Jens were probably nursing Torsten right now so he went to visit them. After the whole fire incident yesterday, these two seemed the most normal at the moment.
As expected Conny answered the door.

“Joachim, good to see you.” Greeted Conny, with a slight pathos in her voice.

“Is he here?” Asked Joachim.

“Nope. Jens dragged him out of the street drunk at 6am and then he was here. When I woke up Jens went to work and Torsten had escaped through the window.” Explained Conny pointing behind her.

“Such a shame really, he looked really miserable. Don’t know why. Petra’s alive.” Concluded Conny.

“They found a-“Replied Joachim.

“A body yeh right. She’s been burning down things since years. She’s a pro- it’s her job.” Shrugged Conny annoyed and slammed the door in Joachim’s face.

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Going to the bank was more than difficult. The road rage was beyond him – seeing as he hasn’t drove himself, since years – and once he got to the bank. No one hardly heard his whispered – help me’s - .
He decided to sit glumly in the lobby until he could gather enough energy again to start a new fight with the bank clerk.

“Dude! It’s the Jogster.” Came a young loud voice floating from across the foyer.

Looking up Joachim saw two young men approaching, poking each other in the ribs. The one who had commented was smaller than his friend, he had very short cut light brown hair and a huge grin sprawled across his face.
His counterpart however was taller and had spiked blond hair with shining blue eyes.
Joachim was not in the mood right now and he defiantly was in the mood to start a stupid conversation with two young hooligans.

“Hey Landy, it’s me Bastian.”Laughed Bastian, plopping down in a chair opposite Joachim.

“And I’m Lukas or as my fans know me – lulu-Lukas.” Grinned Lukas jumping on the right chair.

“Yeh – if you had any!” Taunted Bastian to his best friend.

“Can I help you Herr. Schweinsteiger and Herr.Podolski?” Inquired Joachim in an exasperated tone.

“Well, Herr. Loew, we couldn’t help notice your troubles.” Said Bastian trying to sound mock-intelligent.

“More like laugh.” Chimed in Lukas.

“…………………….go away.” Snapped Joachim. These were seriously the last people he wanted to run into at the moment.
Rolling his eyes he got up and walked to queue up again.
The two youngsters weren’t going to side tracked that easily.

“Now now, Jogi-“Said Bastian, laying an arm around his landlord.

“What did you call me?” Asked Joachim annoyed.

“Jogi, c’mon dude. You’re our landlord.”Said Lukas with his face dramatically screwed together.

“Should have known.” Replied Joachim sarcastically, rolling his eyes again.

“Yes and what you did for Torsten back there touched us all. I mean we’re a huge family and when you care for one of us we all care for you.” Explained Lukas, with a mafia like tone.

“Yeh, we can make you an offer you can’t refuse.” Joined Bastian.

“Mhm…I doubt that.” Said Joachim pushing the boy’s arms off of his shoulder.

“Let’s say we help you cash your money?” Offered Bastian, patting Joachim’s stomach.

“Ey Lassie?” Following Bastian, Lukas repetitively raising his eyebrows.

“Are you trying to pick me up?” Commanded Joachim.

“Eww….no!” Said Lukas disgusted.

“Then don’t look at me like that.” Demanded Joachim at the young man.

“Just give us your money, take a step back and watch the masters at work.” Grinned Bastian stepping forward, distracting Joachim so Lukas could rip his check out of his hands.

Since they already had his money and everyone by now thought Joachim was a loser, he just let them ‘do-their-stuff’.
As they walked up to the clerk, they started wooing her and laying on so much charm, Joachim could have mistaken them for something else.
When they returned, they grinned handing him his bank statement.

“Are you two male prostitutes?” Chuckled Joachim.

“He is.” Replied Lukas, nodding towards Bastian.

“You’re the one’s that bribes your ‘fans’ to listen to your music by offering them free sex!” Snorted Bastian back.

“No I don’t! I’m married.” Spit Lukas back, puffing his chest up.

“Only because no other woman would have you.” Grinned Bastian.

“He never said that your fans were women.” Casually commented Joachim in the middle, while taking his statement and turning around to walk away.

“This guy is way better then Jurgen!” Sniggered Bastian falling into hysterics. Lukas just pouted and punched his friend in the gut. Rendering him helpless on the floor, still laughing.

“By the way you’re wanted in the back alley.” Added Lukas poking Joachim in the ribs, to get his attention.

“Where’s that?” Asked Joachim, before walking out of the door.

“Top floor.” Said Lukas.

“Thanks…….lulu-Lukas, when Jill’s done, tell him to pay his rent.” Smirked Joachim.

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As he was traipsing up to the top floor of his apartment block, Joachim started to contemplate what the back-alley was.
In the past day now, he heard it being constantly mentioned and was becoming curious about it. Especially when Conny told him how she’d get her bush-knife from there if Joachim couldn’t give it to her.
As he arrived there – finally – he saw a suddenly changed level. Everything was so plush and resembled an expensive hotel. Was he in the same apartment block? He’d expected it to be looking similar to his old place in Berlin. Dark walls with so much graffiti on it that the messages couldn’t be read anymore and with various doped up or dunk people dotted about on the stairs and floor.
Instead there were people dotted around, just they looked more like professional mobsters and various ‘interestingly’ dressed women were walking around.
Joachim took the whole scene in with raised eyebrows.

“You’re expected, she’s desperate to talk to you.” Approached a tall tanned man to Joachim. As he guided him into a room on the left.

Not sure what to expect Joachim found the room empty. It comforted him slightly, therefore he could prepare for the surprise visitor. From experience now, Joachim knew everything was possible here.

As he looked around he saw a person come through the door opposite him.
His mouth dropped wide open and he stared in front of himself – this was truly the last person on the planet he’d expect to see.

TBC.........

Enjoy XD.


Ok I have a few things to say here:

+If anyone's noticed I've changed things to say Episode, the way this story is laying itself out, it's coming across -to me anyway- as if it's like LindenStrasse just with a extreme warped humor.

++I know this was a pretty angsty chapter but the next chapter awaits more humor, a surprise and a lighter mood and a whole new level of cracked-out humor.

+++ Don't worry about Petra she's fine, just a tad charred but she's alright so Torsten can stop his crying next Episode XD.

++++ Because I feel so bad about the angst in this I'm going to offer all of you brave people who read this a rare sneak peek of the next Episode :3 .

+++++ If anyone really wants the Avril Lavigne song, I'll be more then happy to send it.

+++++ I know it's not BETAed so please take it easy on me. I might also raise the rating if this continuous on resembling something from a British gangster movie. Yes I know I'm flattering myself here XD

-Episode.4. Running away, sounds good-
Joachim is contemplating on running away but he then meets the charming Daniela and Monika Podolski. They help convince him to stay - a dead body is found later in his bed and Joachim also meets the residential Pimps of the apartment - the Ballack's.