Title:At least their Certified.
RatingFor stupidity- PG13. It's also a AU fic.
Warnings:Extreme Cracked bad humor and references to Arson (fireraising) + Drug abuse.
Summary:Joachim is a landlord recently released from Jail for GBH charges. He's trying to re-build his life but finds his tenants are going to make that some what of a challenge. Not to mention is cracked up Gigolo Cousin who's decided to bug him now to.
Disclaimer:I don't know any of these people.
Episode summary: After finding out what the Lehmann's do, Joachim runs off to inform the couple who work for the police in the apartment block - the klose's. He also meets the feared infamous residents of 3E - The Frings's.


Chapter .2.- I feel all warm inside – no my house is just burning
Everything around him was dark. His eyes felt very heavy and he only woke up because of a strong copper smell he had in his nose. That mixed together with something that smelt like gone off plant.
Suddenly, Joachim pinged his eyes open.

“Copper – dead plant – dead?! “ Joachim jumped off the coach he was laying on.

Joachim found himself in a neatly presented modest apartment. It was tastefully decorated and the tenants obviously went for the minimalistic approach. It was executed successfully to.
The feeling of peace lasted for 5 seconds before he suddenly realized that he was still in the Lehmann’s apartment – because obviously this wasn’t his own.

He must have passed out on their doorstep. While he was digging up why that he happened, he started to hear a familiar female voice drifting, from what could be the kitchen.

“I told you so – if you cut at the base of his spine you’ll only have blood everywhere. And your supposed to be a practiced mortician! Start from the base of his neck then work downwards. Your only ruining poor Joachim’s knife like that.” Prodded Conny playfully at her husband.

“Not to mention my kitchen looks like we’ve decided to paint it red. Thanks to you blotching blood every where.” Continued the slightly annoyed woman.

Rapidly, all the memories started to come flooding back to him. He was standing before Jens, who had a knife in his hand and was covered from head-to-toe in blood.

“HUMAN BLOOD!” Screamed Joachim at the top of his voice.
Is this why Jurgen had cleared off, because he found out that two of his tenants were serial killers? How could that be though? Conny was a bubbly woman and her husband Jens was a the type of guy everyone would want as their neighbor; and look at their home! Everything is so neat and well placed with modern decoration. For crying out-loud they even always pay their rent on time!

“Are you ok? It’s good to see your finally awake.” Chirped Conny, entering the living room and stopping Joachim’s minor panic attack.

“AM I OK!? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? SLICING PEOPLE UP IN YOUR KITCHEN! I’M SORRY BUT THAT…….BUT THAT……but that’s just not allowed here!” Joachim was backing off towards the door. No matter how sweetly Conny smiled at him. That knife in her hand was bashing Joachim painfully into reality.
Yes Jurgen & Debbie had cleared off because they had two serial killers as tenants. Nice tenants to.

Turning around he made a dash for the door. Ignoring all the screams from Conny and Jens, who’d also now come out of the kitchen.
Nervously he fiddled with the door. Just as they came through their living room door, Joachim had enough. He kicked down their door and made a dash for the stairs, running faster then he did, when the police used to chase him in his youth.
Not to long of his running and he started to notice their voices getting more distant. Actually he’d just run up to the 5’th floor.

That’s enough he decided and sat on the top stair for a bit of a breather. What was he going to do about these two pyscho’s? Honestly, they were so well behaved and neatly presented no one would believe him. Not to mention a ex-convict?

“Yeh right Jogi.” Sarcastically joked the landlord with himself.
Then it came to him. Didn’t Jurgen once mention that there are a couple working for the police living in here? If Joachim could find them, perhaps he’d have some allies in arresting the Lehmann’s. Well at least placing them for life in a Mental-asylum.

“Hmm…if I can remember correctly they live in 5D? Let me see….ah yes right here – Herr & Frau Klose.” Joachim was patting out his clothes in front of the door. It was the first time he was meeting them, so first impressions still counted. Especially when making a big request to help arrest two tenants. The couple probably know longer, then they know him.

Instead of knocking he decided to try something different – ring the door bell. The last two times of knocking, resulted in him meeting some right-weirdo’s.

“Coming.” Came a floaty voice from behind the door.
It opened up and Joachim was left facing a short young woman. She had black shoulder length hair with one half of her fringe being pinned to the side and the other hanging down like a silk-curtain. Was she friendly to or the real deal this time?
Joachim wasn’t sure of much anymore, especially after the people he’d just met. He was even starting to wonder if his mother, is his real mother and if the world is in reality flat and scientists are leading people on.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………come in come in.” Waved the woman in a welcoming manner.

“My name is Sylwia and you must be Joachim.” Continued the Sylwia, waving her finger in front of Joachim’s nose.
Entering into her apartment Joachim noticed a couple of things right away.
A) It seemed like a Polish and Chinese decorator battled out World War 3 in here.
B) There was a heavy sweet smell in the air.
C) Sylwia seemed a little of her head.
D) Why was their Chinese erhu music playing?

Considering where he’d just run away from, this place was a bit like some sort of exotic paradise. Exactly like in stories – when the hero runs away from the enemy’s lands and then’s he’s welcomed into a exotic safe haven.
Right now Joachim felt like he was going through the Male 21st Century version of ‘Alice in Wonderland’.

“Please sit down I’ll be right back.” Waving her hands around her head Sylwia disappeared through a door.

“Now I’ve seen everything.” Sighed Joachim dropping his head.
He lifted it again to hear the music change to a more slower beat and a array of poppy flowers on the window seal. Looking on the table in front of him Joachim’s fears were justified.
These people were taking drugs!

“Great. From serial killers, to dead-poets-society and now to drug addicts.” Joachim started to massage his face with his hands.
Just then Sylwia appeared again with a tray, holding a small tea pot and saucers. She placed in front of him on the coffee table and went to open the curtains. She didn’t appear like a normal person who was high on drugs. She kept waving her hands around her and kept rolling her fingers, as if she was performing some type of exotic ancient dance. He could also nearly swear that she appeared to be floating.
Maybe it was just the drugs. The air is so heavy with their smell, that Joachim could vow that he was starting to get slightly high.

“Now. How can I help you?” Asked Sylwia sitting down and rolling her head around – Joachim was just praying that she’s trying to stretch it.

“Erm…I heard you work for the police.” Even though Joachim was wondering if the files weren’t out-dated and by now the police force had fired her.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhmmmm……me and my husband – Miroslav- do.” She said nodding her head. She didn’t stop until a couple of minutes had passed.

“And er…………I was thinking if you could help me. With some criminals or better yet strange people.” Joachim was trying to choose his words wisely but at the same he was fighting his fixation that he had on her. She was just to strange. She was drinking tea but still seemed as if it was some sort of ritualistic dance.

“Miroslav and I, do have close ties to that branch of the police department.” She trailed off pointing her finger somewhere towards a wall.
“But you have no reason to be scared of the Lehmann’s.” She finished putting her tea-cup back down.

“What?!” Blurted out Joachim startled. How did she know that who he meant. Statistically, it could make sense. No one else could be that strange or did she agree that they were criminal?

“Honey aren’t he Lehmann’s not be feared.” Yelled out Sylwia, behind herself. All her floaty manner was dropped for that particularly phrase.
Behind her suddenly came a dull yet loud reply.

“Their gentle as lambs. Couldn’t hurt a living person.” Yelled the dull male voice back. Emerging from the hippy-curtain, came a tall young man. He had short spiked brown hair and deep blue eyes.

“But I was in their apartment and they were having a argument about how to slice a man’s spine open!” Said Joachim staring wide eyed at these two people who were completely out of their heads.

“Yes, but he’s dead isn’t he. I said ‘living’.” Added the man, sitting down next to his wife. His eyes half opened. If he wasn’t high then he could have come across as very relaxed.

“Anyway we work for the Narcotic’s department. Drug analysts and testers.” Continued the man placing a loving arm around his wife and smiling.

“Mhmmmm…..we take our job very serious. It’s up to us to always test the latest drugs coming on the market. So we can identify what it is, when police grab custody of it.” Agreed Sylwia nodding her head repeatably again and smiling.

“Let me get something straight…the police pay you two to test drugs for them.” Asked Joachim rubbing his temples.

“Oh yes- well if you think about it. Somebody has to. Wouldn’t you agree?” Asked Miroslav, cocking his left eyebrow up and rolling his right wrist in circles.
Is this what drug addicts do when their high?

“Erm yes of course…are you people high?” Joachim stretched his face forward, things weren’t going has planned so he decided to stop acting like they were.

“Why of course!” Declared Sylwia, standing up forcefully. Just the strength didn’t show because she start falling over, as if she was drunk. With Miroslav’s help though, she regained herself and sat down.

“We’re testing the newest illegal opium.” Replied Miroslav factually back.

“Are you allowed to do this?” Asked Joachim suspiciously.

“We get paid for it!” Replied Sylwia back, rather annoyed but still bobbing her head.

“I’ll be right back.” With that Miroslav picked Sylwia up and took her to the bathroom.
From the view Joachim had, he could see Miroslav placing her in the bathtub and filling it with water.
Then he returned.

“Like I suspected.” Nodded Miroslav, when he sat down again.

“What…that smoking that would be to much for her?” Guessed Joachim.

“No! Goodness no, she hasn’t taken any drugs today.” Replied Miroslav smiling and shaking his head and his hands. As if he was waving Joachim good bye.

“I suspected that the new landlord wouldn’t take in any of the clue’s the Lehmann’s give to their profession.” Grinned Miroslav back.

“They ALSO get paid to do what they do?!” Asked Joachim, with his eyes ripping open and his mouth dropping.

“Yeh- didn’t you guess? They are practiced morticians. Jens owns a mourge and his wife helps him run it.” Replied Miroslav back, with a ‘well- couldn’t -you -have- guessed- that- one’ tone of voice.

“So WHY are they cutting up people in their apartment?!” Yelled Joachim. He honestly wanted to know. Why would Jens risk his landlord going back to jail if the authorities found out, Joachim allowed his tenants to chop bodies into sushi, in his apartment block.

“Because, sometimes he finds them, laying fresh in the back alley and then he doesn’t have time to take them all the way to the mourge. His mourge is after all located in west Munchen. So he can already determine the death at home and then just take the body to the shop – duh. Honestly.” Explained Miroslav shaking his head – at the ‘oh- so -ignorant’ landlord.

Joachim just stared at Miroslav in silence. With Miroslav just staring back in silence.
Getting up Joachim weakly thanked them for the tea and said it was nice to meet them.
Just before he closed the door Miroslav ran to it and ripped it open.
Taking the first layer of skin of Joachim’s fingers.

“Oh and by the way, The Fringser just bought a radio for his misses. You did get the note from Jurgen about that one? Bye.” And with that he closed the door in Joachim’s face.

Joachim then remember rule 7 – not to allow the tenants of 3E to have their own radio.
Last time he heard about them Jurgen talked about them in a low voice. He appeared to be extremely scared of them.

“Might as well.” Shrugged Joachim, the effects of the opium in the air was pushing all his fear out of him.

Trudging down the stairs to the third level, Joachim was wondering how he was going to take away their radio. ‘Cause if they were anywhere as extreme as the last 3 tenants he’s met, then he might as well start writing his will.

As he was walking through the third level going to 3E, he noticed the graffiti on the wall. People had written creepy messages like – There’s nothing but Evil in 3E or also – Beware for your soul!

“So Jurgen ain’t the only one scared of them.” Joachim’s high was started to ware-off and fear started to rise in him.

As he approached their door. He heard loud music playing. It sounded like – Jurgens Dews: Ein bett im kornfeld.
Why would someone be playing that disgusting song? Joachim noticed the door was open and against his best judgment he decided to knock and enter.
At this point knocking or ringing the doorbell didn’t make a difference. Walking through the hallway he was suddenly able to pick-up the smell of burning paper. It was coming from the living room.
Scared at what was happening, Joachim rushed in.

In front of him sat a young woman, with long black hair and ice blue eyes. She was bent over a large pile of paper and had a box of matches in her hand.
Smiling to herself she kept piling o more lit-matches. Aiming to make the fire bigger.

“Excuse me. You do know you can burn down the apartment doing that.” Joachim said, clearing his throat.

“I know.” Said the young lady turning her head around and giving him a haunting smile.
Deep in his soul, Joachim now knew why they were so feared and he’d only met the wife!
He sat down next to her trying to find a way to put out the fire and at the same time grab her attention to do so. Then he suddenly remembered the music playing. It rapidly came to him now. She wasn’t supposed to have a radio.
Perhaps if he turned it off, then she’s stop.
Carefully he tippy-toed to the radio and turned it off. Bad mistake.

“What are you doing?” Came a icy voice from behind him.
He didn’t have to turn around and he knew that the scene behind him could give any horror movie competition. Why was it always the beautiful women that have the biggest issues?

“I’m the new landlord and I’ve received strict orders that……….that…………..that………….that…..that your not supposed to have a radio.” Replied Joachim back, scared at the woman on the floor, that looked ready to pounce.
However she didn’t. Suddenly her face lighted up.

“Oh no-no-no. I’m Petra Frings. Jurgen just banned me from listening to that song. Not the radio.” She got up offering a hand to Joachim and smiling genuinely.

“Don’t let her fool you. She might be pretty but she does lie.” Came a interruption from a long haired man. He walked in between them and grinned. He had shoulder length curled brown hair, blue eyes and a slight stubble on his face. He had the full rocker style going on.

“I’m her husband Torsten Frings.” Said Torsten shaking Joachim’s hand and smiling.

“Ah…erm…I’m afraid I have to take it though.” Replied Joachim back carefully.
At this point he didn’t know how to take these two.
Torsten then turned to his wife.

“I beat some 5 year old up and his guts as gone all over my good shirt. I want to wear it tonight to the party. Can you clean it up quickly.” Said Torsten pulling out a shirt.
He was right it was messy and Joachim was busy trying to goes which exact organ was spread on it.

“Wait! Did you just say 5 year old?!” Asked Joachim shocked.

“Yes, I do it all the time.” Shrugged Torsten.

It was about now that Joachim came to a important realization. He was landlord to the worlds most psychopathic people on the planet - who were gathered in Germany and now he was being made responsible for them. And right now he was facing their king and queen.



TBC...


Enjoy this chapter XD.
Sorry that it's so long, the next one might be shorter.
Also I'm very sorry but it's not exactly BETAed, it's just a silly little fic :3 .

++ For all those waiting for Hansi, he'll bug Joachim soon. It'll even have his own chapter :3.
Just for now enjoy these one's XD.