Title:At least their Certified.
Rating:For stupidity- PG. It's also a AU fic.
Warnings:Extreme Cracked bad humor.
Summary:Joachim is a landlord recently released from Jail for GBH charges. He's trying to re-build his life but finds his tenants are going to make that some what of a challenge. Not to mention is cracked up Gigolo Cousin who's decided to bug him now to.
Disclaimer:I don't know any of these people.
Episode summary: Joachim takes over the apartment block and meets his first tenants - the Lehmann's and Olli K.

Chapter .1. Somebody resuscitate me – please?

“Ok- fair enough I had made some pretty bad decisions in my life. But I was young back then and restless. Now I’m serious about all of this though. I really want to change my life. So starting life out has a landlord for an apartment block should be a great start. I mean – really, it makes money and teaches some responsibility.” The man with deep black hair sat up eagerly.

“Mr. Loew I agree with you.” Replied his therapist.

“So you think I’m ready?” Hope gleamed in the man’s eyes.

“The fututre is open up to you and man who’s so keen to change his life, definatly has all the doors open to him. Just remember what you learned here at the Munich Anger Management center, and you’ll be a beacon of light for all violent GBH serial offenders.” As his doctor pats him on the head and opens his office door.

Let me introduce myself first- I’m Joachim Loew. Life’s sorta passed me by, at the age of 40-something, I’ve seen a lot. Coming from a rough area in East Berlin set me on a violent path already. From the age of 16 years I started work as a bouncer in a local night club. Through that – at the age of 18 years I got involved in some gang violence and started to build a record of violent abuse towards others. Actually – that was my second record. My first criminal record started at the age of 5 years, but by the time I’d reached 15 years, the police couldn’t fit anymore in it. So they started fresh.
At the age of 38 years I was finally arrested. Beating up my neighbours two toy-dogs pushed it a little to far I guess. Anyway, since the police already had so many people in jail, they made me a offer I sorta couldn’t refuse. I attend a ‘Anger Management’ center to try and rebuild my life or get the death sentence.
Before I could spend much time trying to contemplate if that’s still legal in Germany – the police just hauled me off to the center.
That’s where I spent the rest of my life up to now. At first I got tempted to blow the joint to kingdom-come or at least knock-off my councellor. But listning to his problems became to entertaining.
I must admit I did recoginze though that it is time to get my things together. I’ve run out of money and my mother is trying to help out my deranged cousin Hans or ‘Hansi’. Which means he’s out of my hair, which makes my life sort of better. At first I thought it would be impossible to pull my life together but then I switched on talk-shows and realise, that my life could be worst – I could be a pregnant 12 year old with a fiance in jail and a mother who’s a drunk and who’s got a baby with my brother.
So now I’m leaving my old life behind and heading to north Munich to settle down – own a apartment block and learn to get along with normal people again.
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The train journey was pretty long and Joachim was trying his hardest to get used to it. So far everytime he’d gone some where he either walked in company or was in a bus – again with company. The carers at the Anger Center didn’t want to risk another out break. The last one resulted in Joachim breaking a man’s arm and being sedatated with Elephant tranquilzer.

Things had changed now. He no longer was that violent man who’d rip out your eyes if you eyed his shoes the wrong way.
For the rest of the journey he was mentaly congratulating himself on his new found self-restraint.

When he arrived at the station he found a moderatly good-looking asian woman. He knew right away who she was – Debbie.
Last time though she appeared paler, must have topped up her tan. Her husband Jurgen was taking them on holiday to America, to celebrate the fact they no longer where the landlords of the apartment block. Joachim didn’t understand it, but when they offered him the job as the new one and charged him little for it, he was to enthused.
When he settled in his room first - then he’d think about it.

“I trust you had a good journey, nothing to dramatic?” Inquired Debbie.

“Oh yeh – it rained a little but that was outside. Made a pretty scenery though.” Politely he opened her car door for her.

Even when they found out about his history, the Klinsmann's weren’t shocked one bit. They actually appeared slightly relived as if – now they wouldn’t have to worry if something would happen to him.
Still – through all the strange coincidences, they were very kind and even offered him a contact number in case he needed some guidance.

“Sorry that Jurgen couldn’t come, but he was making some last minute arrangements. Like making sure what tenants are in.” She said the last line with a slight shutter in her voice.

“No no it’s ok. I understand planning with the highest discipline is vital.” He was trying to remember the lesson his councellor once gave him on responsibility and discipline.
It was very boring cause he kept forgetting what his next sentence was – but one thing Joachim remembered was that to achieve good results and to attain professionailty at all costs- the highest discipline is always needed.

Throughout the whole ride, Debbie was very edgy about the subject about the tenants. Circling around the topic, she took long to always say nice things about them. As if she trying to word negative attributes with optimistic words. ‘Aka. – we have a artist living with us who likes to erm…express himself in protracted lengths of time. His girlfriend is a erm…also a mobile – sales assistant’.

However for the rest of the time they had a great conversation.
What Joachim didn’t know is that Debbie was trying to compensate for the hours of insanity that lay before the poor unsuspecting soul.
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The apartment block was decent looking. Nothing to fancy but far from the place where Joachim grew up. At the entrance he was greeted by Jurgen, who rushed towards him pushing the keys in his hands upon their meeting.

“I’m so glad you’ve come – did you have a good journey? Yes? Good! Now if you have any questions don’t be hesitant to call but you know. They ain’t to bad, have fun and there is a bar around the corner. Come on Debbie Groove a Move woman!!” Said the blond man rushing around.

Jurgen shoved her into the car, before she could protest and before Joachim could stop him for a conversation.
As he pulled out to leave he rolled his window down.

“I’ve left instructions on the kitchen table.” With that he rushed off.

“Okay – erm……thank you for the second chance.” Called off Joachim, waving weakly at the strange man.

Even though he rushed his welcome Jurgen kept his word. Indeed instructions where left on the kitchen table.
-Instructions for Herr. Joachim Loew-

1) Collect rent on the first Tuesday of every month.

2) The curfew is at 3am but leave the back gates open – orders from the council. They will not pay for fixments on the back gate next time it’s broken down.

3) No pets allowed.

4) Don’t worry about the people in the back alley – just don’t ask!

5) If any of the tenants act up inform SWAT there telephone number is on the fridge.

6) The lift has been disabled – to many…………accidents had occurred with it.

7) When the tenants of apartment 3E are out for the day make sure they haven’t bought a new stereo system or a radio.

8) Please enjoy your stay and good wishes with your rebuilding of your life. Also remember – no master ever fell from the sky.
Lot’s of love Debbie and Jurgen Klinsmann.

Some of the – no – all of the instructions were a bit out of the ordinary.
For the first time Joachim was starting to contemplate what had he gotten himself into? Especially with the tenants of 3E and why did SWAT have to come in when domestic disturbances occurred?

“Ah- what ever, it can’t be worst then good-old Berlin.” Shrugged Joachim off, pinning the paper next to the SWAT telephone number on the fridge.

The apartment was moderately furnished. The Klinsmann’s had been very nice and left the basics there for him. Either that or Jurgen was about to get a heart attack if he stayed any longer and just decided to clear off.
Joachim sat down on the bed and looked around, with a gleam of optimism in his eyes. For once he actually felt like he had something good going on here.

“Remember what they all said old-boy. Andy, Oliver and the rest of the Crazy 87. Didn’t think you could rebuild your life did they? Well they were wrong. Like the saying goes – no master ever fell from the sky – but you’ve got it good here. Finally I new chance. Don’t screw this up cause not everyone always gets a second chance to make things right.” As he was unpacking everything, he was prepping himself up.

He’d decided it was the best to say high to all his new tenants. To get off on a good foot so collecting rent and minor problems wouldn’t turn nasty. After all he didn’t want to have the whole scene turn into one of those TV judge shows.

Just has he was putting away his shirts he suddenly heard it – a loud screeching that sounded as if someone was having a anger fit, like in the center.
Just this – this was something way different. It nearly gave Joachim a attack!

“TO BE A PANTHER OR NOT TO BE A PANTHER?! LIKE A FEARSOME ANIMAL HE STRIDES ALONG THE CAGE! IS IT A GOAL POST THAT IS KEEPING HIM FROM HIS PAST OR IS IT KEEPING IT FROM HIS FUTURE? HIS GAZE HAS BEEN TIRED DOWN AND HE CAN’T SEEM TO KEEP ANYTHING IN HIS HEART LONGER! TO HIM THE WORLD APPEARS TO HAVE A THOUSAND SPEARS AND BEHIND THOSE SPEARS THERE IS NO WORLD FOR HIM! WITH HIS SOFT ELEGANT STEPS HE WATCHES AS PICTURES GO PAST HIS LIFE! AND WITH THIS PAIN HE CEASES TO BE IN HIS HEART!!!!!!!!!”

Dropping everything he owns Joachim is frozen. That was the loudest, worst if not most disturbing poetry reading he’s ever heard.
All his shirts are strewn all over the floor and his heart is attempting to go down the 50 paces it increased.

It isn’t 10pm yet but still it’s way to late to be yelling around like that and senseless words like that. Newcomers might think they’ve just arrived at one of those unemployment offices where the insane unemployed are making a disparate cry for……..for…………for what ever that was!
This has to stop!
Balancing between highly annoyed and tempted to call the nearest mental asylum – Joachim decides to use this to get to know his first tenant and to make it clear to him that this is very undisciplined and can scare off sane people.

Marching off to the apartment 1A he was thinking on how this was the best way to handle this.
Joachim knocked on the door.
Suddenly a broad shouldered man, with sandy blond hair and a heavy jawline appeared to him. Wearing a pair of jeans and is that……..is that a Poncho or 9month maternity wear shirt?


“Can I help you?” Came a melodramatic aggressive question.

“Well…erm…I’m the new landlord here see – my name is Joa- my name is Herr. Loew. I couldn’t help but over hear your poetry readings and-“

“So you heard my work did you? What did you think? I’m always keen on new feedback.” Replied the man suddenly chirpy.

“I erm……..don’t know much about poetry but. But that was a bit loud wasn’t it? Is that like a sort of style or something?” Joachim was trying to be diplomatic about this. He didn’t want to ruin his first encounter.

“Yes, it’s a expressive style. It’s meant to put emphasis on all the words. Straining how they relate to each other.” No matter how hard he tried- the ‘poets’ thoughtful-contemplating-the-meaning-of-life face just wasn’t working.

“I don’t think I really caught your name yet?” Asked Joachim trying not to have this conversation develop to much. He still had to re council with his clothes.

“I didn’t tell you. Artists never give their names.” With that he slammed the door in Joachim’s face. Leaving him standing completely shocked and frozen in front of his door.

“Tsk Tsk Tsk. He’s taking it pretty hard.” Came a cheerful voice from the stairs behind Joachim.
Turning around, he saw they belonged to a young woman, with light brown hair hanging at her shoulders. Her large blue eyes just added to her sweetness.

“My name is Conny. Conny Lehmann, I live in 1D. You must be the new landlord. Jurgen mentioned you to us.” Walking down she handed Joachim her hand. Finally someone with manners and she appeared very sweet.

“Yes nice to meet you. What is not taking well, if I may ask.” Inquired Joachim laying on a bit of charm. She did have some sort of charisma about her.

“Do you have a knife? A BIG knife?” Abruptly asked Conny. Using her hands to measure out something that could have been mistaken for a bush knife!

“Erm……yeh, I think.” Replied Joachim, taken back by her sudden question.
She just grinned at him, flicked her hair and walked to his apartment. Without him?!
As he went into his apartment he found her sitting by the kitchen table waiting for him.

“Ollie was just released by the police on a caution. If he doesn’t clean up his violent streak, he’s going to be strapped up in the mental-bin. So he decided to become a poet and calm himself down.” Suddenly interrupted Conny, playing with her hair.

“What…oh yes violence….erm yes.” Replied Joachim hurriedly back to her, while still trying to find a knife to match the size she wanted.

“Don’t worry I’ll ask the back alley.” Said Conny getting up.
Just then he pulled out a big knife, turning around in time to see her leave – almost bouncing out of his apartment.

Rushing after her, Joachim see’s her disappearing into her apartment. While he’s at it, he might as well offer it to her now.
Going up to her apartment he knocks on the door. Unlike Ollie’s her door looks really clean, even the outside is neatly presented. Now this is the type of tenant Joachim has dreamed of having.

“Finally.” Sighs the disturbed man.

“Can I help you?” A Tall man suddenly opened the door. He had dark curly short hair, very green eyes and a pretty handsome facial features. Joachim for the third time today is frozen on the spot though….all his clothes are completely covered in blood. BLOOD?!

“Oh yes Conny was just about to go to the back alley for a knife. Thank-you very much, you must be the new landlord.” Inquired the tall man smiling.
Joachim just nods, trying to think of positive reasons why this man is covered in blood. Maybe he’s carving a raw turkey?

“I’m Jens Lehmann. I mean, we’re sorry to trouble you for a knife but cutting up a human back with just a normal knife can be very hard.” Smiled Jens back waving the knife around calmly.

Staring jaw open, Joachim pauses and then……THUD…he faints on Jen’s doorstep.


TBC...


Please enjoy this chapter XD - I've tried my best and it hasn't been professionally BETAed.
Ollie's poem is actually inspired by a real one he wrote here's the link to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gCCUk4xx-g

++ GBH stands for: Grievous Bodily Harm. It's a police term for a heavy violent physical assault.

It's complete crack XD!

Also in the next chapter: The Fring's will make an appearance the feared residents of 3E and the residents of the back alley make their appearance to.

But right now Jens & Conny are busy trying to wake-up Joachim again.

Next chapter coming soon - depending ratings :3 .